Don’t Hold Back Love

Every now and then, I find myself in a scary situation.

I told you I met a boy and fell in love? Well… there’s a little bit more to the story.

This boy is only going to be living in my state for a total of three months. And then, he’s gone. He’s moving back to the East Coast and I will be here in the Midwest (hundreds of miles away).

When we first met, I tried not to care about him. I tried to tell myself – “Not this one, Sarah. He’ll hurt you. He’s leaving.” But, I didn’t listen because I shouldn’t listen. Fear is something that seems logical at the time, but is rarely productive. There are much better things to let control you.

I would rather be controlled by love.

I said a prayer and asked God to keep me from holding back love. I wanted to be strong enough to enjoy the time I had with him without worrying about the future. Strong enough to love him for however long or short our time might be.

I don’t know about you, but my prayers are usually answered in a timely manner.

A few minutes after my prayer, I was working on my application for grad school when I came across a file on my computer. The file was titled, “Sarah – Age 23.”

Intrigued, I looked in the folder and inside there was one word document. The document’s name, “Dear Sarah.”

“That’s me!” I thought, “I should open it and see what it says.” I clicked on the file and was surprised to see what I found…

The Letter:

Dear Sarah,

I know what you’re going through right now is hard and may seem troubling to you. I wish I was with you now. I could wrap my arms around you and let you know that it is going to be alright. Don’t get mad at your family for not understanding. They have no idea what’s going on with you. If you told them, they would have a better chance of helping you, but I understand that you feel vulnerable now and unsure of who to trust.

Sarah, it’s important to know that love is not the enemy. The fact that you care makes you inherently vulnerable. Nothing is wrong with that. Emotions are needed on a full spectrum. As easy as it is to be happy, you should also know how it is to be sad. Suffering will only make you stronger. Not only that, but it’s in times of suffering where we pull on the others around us and realize what a strong network God has put in place for us. We are supported beyond our expectations.

Now, what to do about (boy’s name)… Clearly, God places everyone in our lives for a certain reason. Now you know that sometimes people are brought into your life for a lifetime and sometimes for a very short time. Even though I would have loved to be there for more of your lifetime, our time together was relatively short. I had 11 years to love you and then it was time for me to die. Think of the impression I made on you in that short of a time and the pain that you went through with my death. Was it not worth it to love me and know me, even though our time was limited? Relationships are hard. You must trust the person more than they ever deserved and trust God even more. Humans, by nature, hurt the people they love the most often. Why? Because those are the ones that are guaranteed to still love you and still be around even if you slip and fall, even if you let them down time and time again – which we are all bound to do. Love others. Make no attempt to conceal your true feelings. So what if other people see emotions and thoughts flowing through you? Vulnerability can be a strength just as easy as it can be a weakness. Trust in God’s ability to put you back together again – even stronger than you were before.

The other thing I wanted to tell you is to remember not to take people for granted. I always tried to teach you that every moment was important. You don’t know when the last moment will come, so live life with vigor! Don’t hold back! Keep putting yourself out there and connecting with people and I doubt you will be disappointed. Refrain from grudge holding and indulge others in their wishes. Make no mistake on importance. Every person is placed on the earth with the same potential as the next to make something great out of their life. The only thing that separates the weak from the strong is the opportunities taken. The risks and leaps in the face of uncertainty, the recovery from pain and humility with every victory.

We have the capacity to be something very special in every person’s life we touch. If interactions were a connected tangle of weaving – make an impact on the threads that cross your own.

I wish I could be there with you now, but I do not fear for you. God stands everywhere around you, protecting you and watching over you. In a parallel world, angels rejoice every time you choose right over wrong. Know that I am with you always. I live inside of you – in the very fiber of your being – and I will never be too far away.

All my love,

Grandma

My thoughts…

It’s not uncommon for me to write letters to myself. Occasionally, I wish it was someone else giving me advice. Someone that couldn’t be present – like my grandma. In these situations, I try to imagine what they might say to me. Imagine the advice they would give.grandma_sarah

I wrote this letter 3-4 years ago. In that short period of time , I completely forgot about writing it. I can’t remember what was bothering me. But, whatever the reason – it’s irrelevant. The message is the same: don’t hold back love.

It’s the message I needed to hear.

I’m wondering if maybe you needed to hear the same thing…

One thought on “Don’t Hold Back Love

  1. Awesome blog Sarah!! You said a lot of things I really needed to hear now. You are a wise young woman – definitely wise beyond your years. :)
    Much love & thanks!!

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